DIARIUM MENTIS: A Diary Entry February 2011 – Another day in Paradise

Guest Author – Anonymous
A Diary Entry, struggling with depression

Today has progressively got worse. It started off with being low and gradually got worse.  By lunchtime I was in tears, uncontrollable   shaking and crying.  My head felt like it was about to implode, the pressure too much to bare. It feels like a weight baring down on my mind, severe pain that just will not relent.

I shut the curtains to keep out the light and the world’s unsympathetic gaze.  I Lay down and tried to shut out the world, the pain inside my head getting ever worse, anxiety levels high, rocking from side to side.

Eventually as so often happens my little helper is my dog.  I couldn’t ignore his whimpering anymore, I had to take him for a walk.  So I took him out  to the park.  My head still pounding and my tears still streaming, I wipe them away so as not to scare the locals.  “Keep a smile on your face”, I say to myself while still wiping away the tears.

The grey skies match my thoughts and the thick mists of my mind.  But my dog at least has a smile on his face.

My thoughts get more negative as I struggle with what is going round in my head.  Bad thoughts, deepening doubts and thoughts only of how to end the pain.  Yesterday I was fine, today I can’t function, why?

After half a mile or so I see something truly amazing.  A beautiful ray of sunshine below the deep grey mists of winter.  I think spring is coming.  I see what you see every year, but somehow today, it means much more.  I see the first flowers of spring.  Bright yellow, purple, white and orange.  Like a giant rainbow on the green lawns of the parkland.

I knelt down and studied these beautiful flowers.  Amazing natural colours that on another day I would have just walked by.  They made me smile.  The day suddenly didn’t seem so bad after all.  The tears didn’t disappear but they didn’t matter quite so much.

A small bright spot in an otherwise desperate day reminded me that like yesterdays good times, today’s bad times will pass.

This too will pass.

It keeps me going and I must remember it.

A day in January

Having a bad day today, woke this morning, didn’t want to get out of bed, lay resting for a while.

My mood has slipped down this week, now getting in a spiral down. No enthusiasm in anything. Just numb, I feel nothing, no motivation to walk, eat or get up.  Can’t concentrate to read. Tired and tearful – without the tears. I want to curl up into a foetal position and become invisible and wait for sleep. I used to use a bottle of whisky to help, but I am trying not to.

Walk the dog, . . . still no feeling, his smile warms me.  He at least nudges me into action. Tired and lethargic, still no feeling, no motivation.  I just want to sleep, but can’t.

Tired tired tired.

Need to gain motivation, need to look for a job, I should be upbeat, but cannot be.  I have been in a good state of mind for several months , but after weeks of flu/cold/virus it has gradually sapped my energy and strength and now my mental state appears to have been affected.     A connection? I don’t know.

I feel guilt.

I wait for sleep.  Must be upbeat, think positive, think positive, think positive. Maybe I should increase my medication? No I don’t want to.


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